Are Mom’s Responsible for Everything?

As a mom, it is easy to feel responsible for things that sometimes actually have NOTHING to do with us.

After years of beating myself up over not measuring up to my own standards and responsibility, I have learned a monumental lesson.

In order to live up to the ideals I have set for myself, I need to first know WHY I have these ideals in the first place.

Where were they born, created, evolved from?

Was it from a healthy place or a place of expectation from someone else in my life?

At times, I put countless pressure on myself not only for my lack, but also for my children’s responses to that lack.

The other day, my 18 year old looked me in the eye and said, “Mom, you are not responsible for what I choose to do.  You always make it about YOU.”

Ouch!

WAS MY SON ACTUALLY RIGHT?

Though I could have been really triggered by that statement, I immediately realized, he was right!

He didn’t actually mean that I was being selfish in thinking about my own feelings in the situation, but rather that I was taking responsibility for something that he himself was responsible for.

It was HIS responsibility to hand his term paper in on time.  Not mine.

Why do moms think that our kids have no brains at times?

Ok, don’t answer that…

What I really mean is, why do we think that when our kids make a wrong decision that we have to figure out WHY and conclude that  somewhere along the line we are RESPONSIBLE for it.

If we are responsible for teaching them and growing them into responsible adults, it must be our fault if they fail, right?

The majority of the time, the answer is “wrong”.

ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION

Asking yourself why you feel a certain way and pausing long enough to ponder the answer can be life changing.  I did some soul searching and started asking myself why I take on so much responsibility with my kids.  I began to realize that growing up, my dad often felt that when my brother or I made mistakes that he was to blame for it.  He took on the responsibility.  He felt like he should be able to control us enough that we would always make right choices and that he should have “raised us better”.

This made me start thinking about what responsibility has to do with control.  I love researching, and this led me to do a little investigating on the subject.

RESPONSIBILITY and CONTROL  

What I found was that the more clearly we understand the definition of responsibility and control, the more effectively we will be able to realize we cannot control our children’s behavior or decisions.

We can guide our children, teach them, and encourage them.  However, we are not responsible if they choose to make a wrong choice.

We must relinquish control and not take on false responsibility.

We are responsible for our own, not other’s, behaviors, moods, choices, attitudes, happiness, thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, and mistakes.

We are responsible for the way we treat others and whether or not we allow others to manipulate or mistreat us.

Does this mean that we do not care about the choices our teens make? Of course not.

It simply means we give our teens the respect of being responsible for their own lives.

At the same time, we need to give ourselves the same respect of being responsible for ours.

This has been a difficult lesson to learn.   I have spent so much of my life feeling responsible for things that I should not have.

Do you struggle with feeling as if you, as a mama, need to control the situations in our children’s lives?

THERE IS GRACE

So thankful for grace as a mama.

Grace in knowing that we do not need to always be in control or feel responsible for everything our kids do and for the many lessons they teach us along the way.

How have you tried to control your kids or taken on false responsibility?

I would love to hear your struggles and triumphs in the comments below.

Live Light,

Lucia