I Thought I Was Going To Die

AT RESTORE WELLNESS TO GET IV FLUIDS TO HELP MY DEHYDRATION

Fast forward, six weeks later, my body was well enough to speak with my family physician to tell him I felt like I was losing my mind. I hadn’t slept in 3 nights, I paced through the house all day, and even though the physical signs of the virus had diminished, my mental state was NOT OK. He told me that with this new strain of Covid, many were seeing mental confusion, racing thoughts, and severe anxiety as a symptom. I just happened to be one of them. I found myself fighting thoughts that I never thought possible.

As I fumbled through my days following my “death scare”, I had a scheduled Cystoscopy to check for possible bladder cancer. What? Yes, I’m serious. What they found was an inflamed blood vessel instead. Yay, God!  Moving on to the next week, I had my annual visit to the dermatologist to get my “mole check”. Six biopsies later, one on my leg, three on my back and two on my stomach, I was told that they were “concerned”.

Thankfully, they were able to remove all of the areas needed for me to be cancer free! Since then, the holes have healed, leaving six tiny scars in their place. Those scars, and many others, are a constant reminder of God’s grace and healing power in my life.

Here’s the kicker. In the midst of these two months of hell, I lost two of my dear friends. Both of their deaths were completely unexpected and under very difficult to comprehend circumstances.

Now that I’ve shared the intimate details explaining my absence from you, I’d like to talk about what is most important moving forward. Sound good? Good.

As I’ve struggled for months with all of the above, I’ve also struggled to make sense of the “why”. I think all of us have asked why at some point. That’s human. As I’ve asked that question over the years, the answer I’ve found hasn’t always been the easiest but it has been the most comforting.

If you find yourself in the midst of a mental or physical health battle, this will be especially helpful. But even if you don’t count yourself among the millions of us who struggle with our health, I still think this will be helpful — because God knows we’re all battling something, whether it be grief, anger, sickness, COVID, betrayal, abandonment, or whatever forces us to ask, “Why?”

If that’s you, I got you.

It’s all in how I define my circumstances. All my struggles, all my crap, all my grief, all my health battles are being used for my ultimate good and God’s ultimate glory. How often do we use our circumstances to define what God must be like instead of using what we know to be true of God to define our circumstances?

In Psalm 13, David makes sense of his suffering: “He chose to interpret his circumstances by God’s love rather than to interpret God’s love by his circumstances.” Read that again and think about it for a minute. What David is saying here is that because of who I know God to be, what I am going through now is not the last word. What I’m going through now is not the end of the story.”

Hellllooooo……why don’t we “Process what we don’t know in the context of what we do”?

We know God is good, we know He is faithful, and we know He loves us. When we face trials, difficulties, anxiety, sickness, depression, and uncertainty, we must process that through what we do know to be true about Him. You know where that leads us every time? We realize that God is using all of it for our good and His glory. That may not seem comforting in the moment, but it’s actually one of the most comforting things I’ve found. Listen, one of the worst things about my thinking is that I try to play God. I try to control everything. And yet God is sitting there saying, “Stop trying to be me.”

In the end, that’s why Romans 8:28 is so powerful. That’s the verse that says everything will end up working out for those who love God. In another life, I hated that verse because it was used as a weapon by well-intentioned people who would rather give me a sweet coffee-mug phrase than sit with me in my pain. But as I’ve worked out this proper theology of suffering, it’s become comforting. And you know what? I’ve actually grown closer to Him because of it.

“Ok, but what about the ‘for His glory’ part?” you might ask. At first glance it may seem like I’m saying God is some tyrannical being who gets pleasure from our pain. Trust me, that’s not the case. (Remember, we have to interpret our circumstances by who we know God to be, and He is not a tyrannical being.)

Here’s what I’ve learned about that phrase. We talk a lot about how God is love, which is true. But we don’t talk enough about how God’s glory is also paramount to who He is and what He is about.  In fact, we are told that in everything we do we are to bring Him glory (1 Cor. 10:31). It’s also, not surprisingly, what we were created to do. While not much in life can be reduced to a simple formula, I think in this case there’s a benefit to reducing all this down to one:

That means our struggles have a tendency to be not only for our good but also for our

best, because they help us fulfill our ultimate purpose: glorifying God. That’s what I’ve learned. That’s the secret. That’s the answer. Our tragedies have a way of forcing us to Jesus, thus creating a deeper relationship between Him and us. As that happens, we reflect more of His glory, and ultimately that’s what a holy God deserves and wants — and it’s what we were created to do.

I’m not going to pretend that makes everything easy. Like I said at the beginning, I still struggle with it at times. But a lot of times the hard things are the right things.I’m here to tell you that those battles, those frustrations, they’re worth it. They are God refining you and redefining you. our struggles are beautiful. But guess what: The only way our struggles are beautiful is if what you’ve just read is true — that they’re being used for your good and God’s glory.

As it turned out, the steep and rocky path is the one I needed to take to further unite me with Jesus and shift my perspective on suffering. God’s best is for us to be transformed into the image of Jesus, and suffering is one of His greatest shaping tools. Biblical figures who embraced God’s presence in the midst of their trials were purified and prepared for their calling.

My prayer is that truth sinks in for you today and carries you through the week. That in your time of frustration and fear, God reminds you that He is faithful. In your time of crisis, you see He’s creating. In your time of weakness, you see He is at work. Because here’s another little secret: the pain has a purpose. That’s a truth for the downtrodden, the desperate, and the disillusioned. For the mother, for the father, for the weak, and for the strong, for you.

I hope this was encouraging for you or someone you know that is currently asking “Why?”.

Best,

Lucia